


Why not the angels?

by the_fluffy_unicorn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Crack, Gen, but I'm pretty sure the story makes up for it, five angels and God shenanigans, go read the thing you'll understand why, in Heaven and on Earth, no pairings here sorry, okay no more tags not spoiling it in any way here, there are bits of angst in there but not so much?, this is a completely cracky AU that started with a single what if, yeah it's mostly just
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2018-06-03 12:32:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6610828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_fluffy_unicorn/pseuds/the_fluffy_unicorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There once was a time when Heaven was up in the clouds, Hell with its fiery pits of torture was below the ground, and the human race was scattered about the surface of the planet Earth. Humans believed in God then. They believed in Heaven, Hell and everything that went along with them.</p><p>However, with the development of human science things started to change rather quickly. People didn’t believe in them anymore. Not the way they used to, at least. And all of them, both in Heaven and in Hell, found that their powers were quickly diminishing until they were virtually non-existent.</p><p>There were no souls left.</p><p>There was nothing for them to do.</p><p>And what do you do when you get extremely bored?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> okayy so this is my first fic EVER  
> it was written exactly a year ago and I posted it but never finished it which I think should be fixed right now immediately bc I still think it's funny and shouldn't be sitting there in my other account all forlorn and sad.  
> SO.  
> right now I'm editing it and will be posting ~~once a week, just like my other long fics~~ oops I guess I lied there it's just the chapters are so tiny and I'm nearly done with it sooo yeah I'm posting every other day.
> 
> as always, kudos and comments are greatly appreciated: they make a writer happy! =)

_. . ._

_Earth date: around 2006. Heaven date: eternity._

_. . ._

 

Gabriel was sitting on a cloud, kicking his foot at its puffy edge. He’d been doing it for quite a while now, trying to shape it into something yet undistinguishable.  Little bits and pieces he managed to kick off were slowly drifting around, trembling in the bright golden syrup of heavenly sunshine. Most of them eventually got pulled back into the cloud, save for an odd bit that got captured by Castiel and carefully and quite skillfully shaped into a bee. Lucifer was dicking around with his halo, throwing it in all sorts of ways and directions and pouting each time it flew back to hover above his head like some twisted version of a boomerang. Balthazar dozed off on the very edge of a cloud not far from Lucifer. Michael was sitting on his cloud cross-legged, frowning in concentration as he attempted to write something on its surface with his middle finger.

It was very quiet.

Castiel opened his palm and gently blew another cloudy bee off into the sweet heavenly air. The bee picked up some speed and for a brief moment it even looked like its little golden wings were actually moving. A small smile tugged at the corners of Castiel’s lips as his eyes followed the bee’s flight. Lucifer threw his halo, successfully cutting the bee in two and knocking Balthazar on the back of the head in one go. The halo returned to hover above him as it always did, and by the time Castiel turned to glare at him and Balthazar woke up nearly falling off his cloud, Lucifer took an extreme interest in some fleck of golden light very far off, trying for mock innocence but still looking smug.

“You just _had to_ go and do it again, didn’t you,” Balthazar grumbled as he moved away from the edge of his cloud, turned his back on Lucifer and pretended to be going back to sleep.

Castiel didn’t say anything, he just kept on glaring at Lucifer, who paid him absolutely no attention as he concentrated on getting his halo to mess with Michael's writing. Michael blocked each of Lucifer's attempts with his own halo not even looking up from his work, and Lucifer grew more and more annoyed. Gabriel continued kicking the cloud. Castiel sighed and turned to catch another bit of Gabriel's cloud with both hands, as if he were scooping a goldfish out of its tank.

Then, all of a sudden, soft ethereal voices filled the air with meaningless harmonizing. There was no particular tune or words to the song, but the voices were _so sweet_ that as a rule your ears curled up on themselves and stayed that way for quite a while after yet another session of Heavenly Singing was over. The clouds started vibrating with the voices and all five angels groaned in frustration.

“I would very, _very_ much like to kill someone right now,” Michael muttered, looking up at the others, whatever he’s written in the past couple of hours quickly erased by the sounds of Heavenly Choir reverberating through the cloud.

“Oh, _please_ , Mikey!” Lucifer snorted. “As if you’d actually go and kill anyone. You wouldn’t hurt a fly, even if one happened to magically appear right under your nose.”

“A fly is an innocent creature so you are right about that. But what if…” Michael narrowed his eyes and glared at Lucifer. “What if I start with _you_?”

Lucifer rolled his eyes and waved his hand dismissively.

“Come on, we’ve been over this a dozen times already. You can’t kill me here, not even with that big scary fiery stick of yours, because it’s _Heaven_ , you silly-willy!”

With that, he threw on an exaggerated smile and batted his eyelashes at Michael. Michael’s glare was a moment away from burning a hole right through Lucifer's skull.

“Which reminds me.” Gabriel butted in. “How come you’re here, Luci? Shouldn’t you be, y’know, in Hell?”

“Ah, well, I got out on a technicality. I’m still an angel, and angels belong in Heaven, so I thought I’d give it a go. I know it’s hard to believe, but Hell was even more boring than this ridiculous place. Here I can at least mess with you guys, and when our dear old Mikey gets all riled up like that, I even get to have a little fun.”

Lucifer smirked and nodded towards Michael, who by then was on the verge of ‘unraveling a major shitstorm’, as Gabriel rather accurately dubbed it when it happened for the first time after Lucifer’s head popped through a cloud next to their little group. Gabriel sighed and turned to Michael, trying for the voice of reason.

“Come on, Mikey, you know that he’s just trying to get to you, right? He is – well, he is just being... him, y’know? Luci, sneaky, frustrating and annoying little piece of shit.”

“But I’m _bored!_ ” Lucifer yelped, flopping onto his back and kicking his legs in the air. “Nothing happens around here except for that god-awful singing, there is literally nothing to do and you guys are _no fun!_ ”

Lucifer sat up, hunched his shoulders and pouted at Michael. Michael sagged back into his cloud and ran a hand over his face tiredly.

“You are not the only one around here who’s bored out of their wits, Lucifer,” Michael said. “But it doesn’t mean we all should take turns in getting on the others’ nerves.”

“At least it’s _something_ to do,” Lucifer nagged, still pouting.

“Well, it doesn’t mean you _should_ do something just because you _can_ , Lucifer.” At this point Michael’s rage seemed to dissipate, and he was talking with the sort of patience usually attributed only to the tired parents of five-year-old triplets after a particularly vigorous temper tantrum.

“I know what we _should_ do!” said Gabriel as a brilliant idea appeared in his head somewhat unexpectedly. Now that he had it, he was surprised it hadn’t come to him earlier. “We should all go somewhere!”

“And where exactly do you suggest we go?” Balthazar waved a hand around, gesturing at the endless cloud-covered valley of Heaven. “Another cloud? Oh, that would have been quite an event, wouldn’t it, only THEY ALL BLOODY LOOK THE SAME!”

“No, sweet cheeks, I wasn’t talking about another cloud. And just so you know, it’s no use trying to sass the sass master.” Gabriel wiggled his eyebrows with a sly smile. “I was talking about leaving this place altogether.”

“But angels are supposed to be in Heaven, we are the angels, how can we leave?” Michael asked, looking at Gabriel with a confused frown, mixed with some distant glimmer of hope. They were all looking at him now, and even Castiel was interested enough to look away from another cloud-bee he was making.

“Well, the other day when you two,” Gabriel pointed at Michael and Lucifer, “were bickering as usual, I took a stroll around and just happened to walk past the Great Book of Rules. I actually thought about checking it for a while, and yes, my dear friends, I can officially confirm that there is not a single rule written there that states anything even remotely close to ‘angels should stick in Heaven and never leave’. Angels belong in Heaven? Oh, yes. Angels cannot leave? Hell no!”

“Where shall we go then?” Castiel asked.

Everyone looked at him in surprise. Castiel was never exactly a chatterbox, and Gabriel felt his ego puff out with pride at catching his attention.

“My dear Cassie, leave that to me,” Gabriel said, swinging his arm around Castiel’s shoulders. “I promise you will not be disappointed. I have quite an interesting place in mind that I think all of us can enjoy. But I have to check it out first. Shouldn’t take long. You,” Gabriel pointed at Balthazar, “make sure that these two,” he nodded towards Michael and Lucifer, “don’t claw each other’s eyes out. Well, _at least_ ,” he added, looking at Balthazar’s sour face, “make sure they grow’em back nice and proper by the time I return.”

Gabriel walked past them, testing the cloud surface with his foot here and there.

“And remember to help Cassie with his bees while I’m gone,” he said, turning to look back at them, and sank right through the clouds.


	2. Chapter 2

. . .

_Earth date: March 2008. Heaven date: eternity._

_. . ._

Nobody could tell exactly how time passed in Heaven. There were no sunsets, no twilight and no nights, and the valley was always filled with very bright and really golden sunlight, one that looked all syrupy and honey-like, similar to so-called ‘golden hour’ light. Chased by every professional photographer (and even some of the more advanced amateurs), it briefly graced the Earth with its soft touch early in the mornings and right before dusk on sunny days. Heavenly Valley seemed to be stuck in the golden hour forever. Of course, they could have measured the periods of time according to the moon phases, but, as there was no night, there was no moon, so it was really, _really_ hard to tell how much time passed between any two separate events. Moreover, it was impossible to determine whether Time itself existed in Heaven. Maybe it did. Maybe it did not.

Anyway, it was boring as he– erm, really, _really_ boring.

Balthazar opened his eyes as Lucifer’s halo knocked him on the back of the head yet _again_ , and started slowly counting to ten. Not that it really helped him to calm down, but at that point he’d have rather had silence than another shouting match with Lucifer. He wasn’t sure how long ago Gabriel had gone away, but it really felt like he was never even there. He sighed and stared at the sky above his head. Not that there was anything worth looking at, but still, it was a better option.

And then he heard Gabriel’s sing-song voice.

“Guess who’s ba-ack!”

There he was, standing by Michael’s cloud, leaning on it nonchalantly, dressed in some _very_ strange and colorful outfit and holding something thin and rectangular in his hand, something that had otherworldly silvery glow going and looked completely out of place. In fact, Gabriel himself now looked out of place, too; almost as if he didn’t belong in Heaven among them any longer.

His attitude, however, hadn’t changed. He looked fresh, and well rested, and extremely pleased with himself, and, to Balthazar’s surprise, very much _not bored_. Gabriel hopped onto his cloud, placed the silvery rectangle on his lap and opened it by folding it out. The upright part of the rectangle began to glow, and Gabriel smiled smugly.

“Gather round, folks, and make yourselves comfortable, for I’m about to show ya somethin’ you ain’t ever seen before. And I know for a fact that you’ll love it. Or hate it. Or both. All I can promise you is that you won’t be _bored_ any longer.” Gabriel wiggled his eyebrows at Balthazar, who was the last to remain on his own cloud, sulking and silently refusing to join them because being a peacekeeper in charge among the group for an eternity that Gabriel wasn’t there _really_ sucked.

“C’mon, Balthy, you’ll miss all the fun.” Gabriel looked at him maybe just a tiny bit apologetically. Castiel, Lucifer and Michael just stared at him impatiently. Balthazar sighed and rolled his eyes, sliding off his cloud and walking towards Gabriel’s to join them. Now they were all sitting around Gabriel, watching him fumbling with the glowy rectangle thingy in his lap.

“What is it exactly we are looking at here, do tell.” Balthazar’s voice was dripping sarcasm. “And that part about _not_ being bored? Any chance it’s gonna happen any time soon? Or shall we send Luci to check whether Hell has frozen over yet?”

“This thing here is called a laptop and I’m about to show you something right... about... now!” With that, Gabriel hit some part of that – that _laptop_ with his finger, and the glowing part went completely black.

“Is that supposed to be entertaining? Cause I definitely don’t-”

“Shhh! It’s starting now, just watch, okay?”

The part that had been completely black now wasn’t black entirely. There was writing at the bottom. It said,

**_Lawrence, Kansas_ **

**_22 years ago_ **


	3. Chapter 3

They have watched the pilot in complete and utter silence, eyes glued to the screen. Every now and then Gabriel glanced at their dumbstruck faces and had to do his best to keep his chuckles and witty comments to himself. When the credits rolled, he pressed pause, dropped the laptop onto the cloud (it sunk in a little but remained on the surface) and jumped off, standing in front of them and stretching his hands above his head with a yawn. Four pairs of eyes were now locked on him, question marks all but painted across their faces. He grinned at them and held a dramatic pause. Silence lasted for just a beat, and then they all spoke in perfect unison.

“What was that?”

“Is there more?”

Yes, Gabriel thought. Yes, they are definitely hooked.

“That, my dear friends, was the first episode of a TV show. It’s a thing people make for entertainment. So that, y’know, there is _something_ for them to do when they get bored.”

“I would very much like to see more,” said Castiel in a tone that suggested it was more a matter of life and death than anything else. “It is a little difficult to understand all the implications, as human daily life seems to have changed substantially if one was to compare their own notions to those we have just witnessed; however, I would rather continue watching this _‘tee-vee-show’_ and try to understand it on my own rather than ask you to explain, Gabriel. I suspect we will all still have questions afterwards, so I’m suggesting that we refrain from posing them now and just keep watching?”

 _Ah, Cassie,_ Gabriel thought with fondness, _such a complete dork, with the air quotes and everything. They are gonna **love** him._

It was actually more of a statement than a question, and only a slight rise of tone at the end of the last sentence indicated that Castiel was waiting for them to reply. Michael, Balthazar and Lucifer just nodded and looked at Gabriel expectantly.

“Yeah,” said Lucifer. “Yeah, what he said. Let’s watch.”

As soon as they all got comfortable and Gabriel was about to hit play, the infamous and oh-so-sweet voices began to roll in huge waves across the Heavenly Valley. For whatever reason, they seemed to be louder than usual, making it really difficult for the five angels to hear their own frustrated groans, let alone anything that was coming from the laptop.

“I’d suggest we move the party downstairs,” Lucifer offered, “but, to my utter disappointment, Hell has its own soundtrack, and it’s pretty much as annoying as this one.”

Michael sighed and shrugged.

“Guess we’ll just have to wait it out then.”

“Or, we could use these.” Gabriel’s smile was really smug as he dangled some strange small objects on pieces of black string in front of his face.

“And I’ve got them for everyone. Got the splitter, too. So don’t say I didn’t come prepared!”

“What are these exactly?” asked Balthazar, picking up his pair as Gabriel handed them out.

“These are earbuds. You just stick them into your ears like this, then we plug them all into the splitter, and the splitter into the laptop, and _voilà!_  – we can enjoy our show!”

His hands moved as he spoke, and when the first heartbreaking scenes of ‘previously on Supernatural’ flashed on the screen, accompanied by the sorrowful melody in the background, the Heavenly Choir was completely forgotten.

. . .

They were well into season one, and Gabriel was absolutely sure nothing could get them away from the laptop before they ran out of episodes to watch. And if they did run out they would most likely watch them all over again. They finished another one, and before going to the next he showed Balthazar how to operate the media player and told them to keep watching. They were so absorbed in the show that they didn’t even ask him where he was going, and the last thing he heard as he was walking away from the group was Castiel’s voice, trying to persuade the others to watch the episode they have just finished once again, saying something about bees. Gabriel chuckled, shook his head and continued his stroll to the Great Book of Rules. Now that he got the others interested, he really needed to look for the ways to better his plan.


	4. Chapter 4

God was very depressed.

He was sitting on a big cloud somewhat resembling a throne, his slumped form clearly outlined against it, as the throne had a very distinct glow about it that was even brighter than the usual golden sunlight seeping through every distant cloudy corner of the endless Heavenly Valley. Sweet voices of the Heavenly Choir that softly rolled through the valley every now and then seemed to be louder and stronger around him, and even though it was common knowledge that the Choir consisted of nothing but disembodied voices, God suspected that those nasty little fuckers were very much corporeal and simply hiding under his throne, broadcasting their vocalise to the rest of the valley every couple of hours or so. And he would be okay with it. Sort of. No, seriously, he really would, if it wasn’t for one tiny detail. Around here, they _never_ shut up.

And it was driving him nuts.

He tried everything. Covering his ears with his hands was no use, pretty much like every other possible and impossible way he could think of to tune out that unbearable and absolutely pointless harmonizing. If he could get at least a moment of peace and quiet he probably would have noticed that everything he’d tried so far had, in fact, the opposite effect: the singing got clearer and louder, as though it concentrated right _inside_ his skull.

He spent quite a substantial amount of time (even if Time was virtually non-existent in Heaven, it was still _a lot_ ) trying to dig out a hole under his throne, just to make sure the Choir wasn’t hiding there. However, he didn’t have much luck. The clouds only seemed to be all fluffy and soft, and though it was true once you were sitting or lying on them, they turned out to be completely different when you tried to shape them into something else or tear even a little bit off, so he gave up on the idea completely when all his efforts resulted in a cavity not big enough to stick his foot in.

He tried very hard to get his supposed powers to manifest. He _was_ God after all. He ordered the Choir to stop. He yelled at them, called them names and even outright told them to go to Hell, for it was the proper place for such an exquisite torture. As the last resort he tried to produce a lightning bolt, but ended up waving his hands about aimlessly and feeling completely embarrassed when he remembered that quite a while ago human science discovered that lightning was a result of electric discharge in the clouds, and he could not make a bolt of lightning at will ever since.

He sighed and tried to stick his head into the cloud. The voices just grew louder. This place, this so-called _Heaven_ was ridiculous.

He could still remember, albeit vaguely, the time when everything was different. There was natural order: Heaven was up in the clouds, Hell with its fiery pits of torture was below the ground, and the human race was scattered about the surface of the planet Earth. Humans believed in God then. They believed in Heaven, Hell and everything that went along with them. Life was good and everyone had a job to do: God and the angels tended to human souls that turned up in Heaven, and Lucifer with his demons was in charge of those unfortunate enough to end up in Hell. Of course, he had lots of things to do and lots of responsibilities, and hardly ever a moment for himself. But even when he had to spend a couple of centuries trying to persuade Lucifer that the whole ‘rebel-against-God-fallen-angel’ story was absolutely necessary for his career as it projected the right kind of image with his subordinates and clientele, - even then his life was anything _but_ boring.

However, there’d always been one problem with humans: they never seemed to stick with something for long, and they always had to keep looking for reasons and explanations to everything they saw. And even if they didn’t see it, they still felt a desperate need to explain it. When they first invented science, it was relatively early in human history, and science went along with the church (or got burned in case it refused to). But shortly after renaissance and enlightenment things quickly started to go downhill.

People made airplanes and went above the clouds to tell the humanity that God and Heaven were nowhere to be seen, and that was the moment when God and all his angels found themselves scattered about this endless valley of clouds, golden sunlight and _singing_ , along with the Great Book of Rules. The book was not the Bible, but simply a list of things they were allowed or prohibited to do.

When people managed to dig deep enough to scientifically prove that there was nothing underground but tons of rock, all kinds of mineral resources and the molten core of the planet, Lucifer and his gang found themselves right beneath the cloudy Heavenly Valley, with pretty much nothing to do, in a place that was woefully empty, very hot and looked suspiciously like the first pictures from the surface of Mars.

And all of them, both in Heaven and in Hell, found that their powers were quickly diminishing as human science discovered more and more explanations to phenomena previously attributed to supernatural beings. Somewhere along those changes, nobody could remember _exactly_ when, all the souls were gone, too. Things concerning this event were a bit hazy in his memory, but God was pretty sure it had something to do with human science as well.

After that, they were just left there. Nothing was happening; there was no way to tell the time or to see whether it was morning or noon back on Earth, and with no souls to tend to there was nothing left for them to do. At first they were fine merely wandering about the valley, some of them gathering into discussion groups dwelling on various aspects of current state of affairs, but eventually it simply got old.

And they were different. They have degraded to just a little more than ordinary human beings, though sometimes it was really hard to tell if that _‘little more’_ part was indeed there or it was nothing but wishful thinking. All their powers, all their previous deeds and all their past glory became so vague and hazy in their memories that they could only recall bits and glimpses, and even those tended to slip away, pretty much like some middle-of-the-night dream dissolves into the morning light when you wake up.

Yes, God was very depressed. He could not, for the love of _Him_ , make the Choir stop their torturous vocal exercises, he was dressed in something that looked and felt like a not-so-comfy white bathrobe, and, to top it all off, the too-bright glow from his throne started to give him a migraine. He let out an audible sigh and sagged back into his throne, covering his eyes with his arm, hoping it would help with the pain.

The singing went on.

He decided to ignore it and count the sheep, thinking that perhaps things would get better after a nap. Somewhere around three hundred and forty-two he even managed to doze off, but woke up with a start shortly after due to a sudden increase in force and volume of the vocalise. He sat up, blinking sleepily, and looked around. To his disappointment, the Choir was still nowhere to be seen, so he could not indulge in slowly choking them to death. And it was only after he looked around for the third time that he noticed: something was _different_. He blinked again and rubbed his eyes, just to make sure he was not hallucinating.

Someone was walking towards the throne. And he was _not_ wearing white.


	5. Chapter 5

As soon as he got everything there was to get from the Great Book of Rules, Gabriel headed to the big and shiny lump of cloud that everyone knew to be God’s throne. Not that God ever actually had one before, but in _this_ version of Heaven things were what they were, and almost all of the angels stopped questioning them quite some time ago.

Gabriel didn’t.

Back in the day when he was the messenger and his job description included a _‘go places and tell people things’_ clause, Gabriel obviously used to travel a lot. In fact, quite often he was more likely to be found some place else rather than at home in Heaven, and it would have been quite a challenge for God to locate his messenger for yet another assignment if it wasn’t for mental connection between them. God found it quite handy (that is why it was a built-in feature in all of his angels), but it was known to be extremely annoying for any angel who decided to neglect their duties for a while in favor of something more interesting that just happened to turn up.

The angels were not slackers, mind you. They were created to do their job perfectly, which they did, but God believed that everyone deserved to have a little fun every now and then, and that’s why such qualities as curiosity, creativity and free will, albeit in very small quantities, were added to the basic ‘angel mix’ when he was making them.

And that’s why Gabriel found himself exploring and experiencing all kinds of interesting things and places when he stumbled upon them during his messenger days. His job, by all means, was very important, and he was very good at delivering any message right on time and to the very person it was intended for, but on his way back… Well, let’s just say a lot of things can happen when you are curious enough to stick your nose into anything out of the ordinary that happens to catch your eye instead of simply going back to Heaven after you are done with your mission.

That being said, it’s easy to understand that Gabriel was feeling _a bit_ more restless than any other angel being stuck in this cloudy valley with _apparently_ no way out for what seemed like the rest of their existence, however long that might be. And no wonder he’d made it his ultimate goal to find a way out.

Squinting at the intensifying glow that came from the throne, Gabriel tried to see whether God was actually on the darned thing. It was really hard to tell from the distance, but as he approached the light became so bright it was nearly blinding. However, if Heavenly Choir was anything to go by, God was definitely there: the singing became louder, sounding solemn and somehow a little intimidating. Gabriel sighed.

“Hey boss,” he said, “it’s – it’s me, Ga-”

Suddenly the Choir all but _roared_ in his ears, making it very difficult to continue the conversation without risking it turning into a shouting match. Gabriel took a deep breath and yelled on top of his lungs.

“Could you please turn it down a bit? I can’t hear myself think!”

“Sorry!” Came the reply. “I’ve tried everything; they just won’t _shut up!_ ”

“Do you by any chance know where they might be?”

“I’m pretty sure they’re under my throne, but I can’t get in there!”

“Hold on, I’ll try something!”

Gabriel took a few steps towards the edge of the throne, closed his eyes and tried to get around to its backside by touch, really hoping that God was right about it and that he’d be able to get the Choir to stop before his eardrums exploded. He started poking the cloudy substance the way he was already used to, until it gave in and he was able to stick his arm in it up to his shoulder. He fumbled about the insides of the cloud until his hand brushed something small and solid. The thing moved away from the touch, and he had to stick his other hand in so that he’d have better chances at catching it. About a minute later he managed to get a hold of the thing and pulled it out of the cloud. It was something that looked like not a very large ball, which had sort of an ethereal glow about it. And it was _definitely_ the source of singing. _You never know when these things might come in handy,_ thought Gabriel as he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a piece of tinfoil, carefully unfolding and wrapping it around the ball.

Silence that followed was so sudden it felt deafening.

Gabriel shook his head in disbelief, but there was no singing whatsoever. He tossed the ball up in the air and caught it again with a smug smile. The ball must have been the source of the light that came from the throne as well, and now it was off. Still grinning widely and tossing the ball from one hand to the other, he walked around the throne to actually _see_ God face to face.

“Oh, Gabriel, it’s you,” said God as soon as he saw him emerge from behind the throne. “I couldn’t really see you before, as, you know…” He gestured towards the throne, shrugging helplessly. “But anyway, how did you do that? I literally tried everything, and it didn’t work. And where are those fuckers? I mean, I would really, _really_ love to… umm… meet them. Yes, meet them.”

“I bet you’d want a little more than just _‘meet them’._ ” Gabriel smiled sympathetically. “After everything you had to suffer through, and all this time… I’m sorry, boss, I should have dropped by earlier. I just never thought it was _that_ bad for you.”

“I’m just glad it’s over now. Can’t actually quite believe it yet. Keep thinking that I’m about to wake up back to that nauseating harmonizing. Again.”

“I can assure you, it’s pretty much as real as it gets around here, so don’t worry ‘bout that. Here,” Gabriel tossed the ball up again, “is the source of your troubles. It looks like the Choir does consist of disembodied voices after all, and they were all coming from this ball. Such a tiny thing and so much inconvenience. Isn’t it what usually happens?”

“So you just grabbed it then, to make it stop?”

“No, catching it was one part of the problem, stopping it was quite another, but I managed. Made a lucky guess, and long story short, it worked!” Gabriel paused and looked at God questioningly. “Erm… do you... do you want to keep it? ‘Cause if you don’t, I could, you know-”

“Sure, sure, go ahead, do whatever you want with it, I don’t really care what as long as I don’t get to hear that horrible thing ever again.”

“That ain’t gonna be a problem, boss. I promise. No more meaningless celestial harmonizing for you.”

“Thank me for that! Or, in this particular case, thank _you_. I mean it. Thank you, Gabriel, you saved my sanity, if not my life.”

“Don’t mention it, boss. I’m just glad I could help.”

God smiled at Gabriel tiredly and stifled a yawn.

“I know you probably wanted to discuss something _very_ interesting with me, given your outfit and all, and I have lots of things I wanna ask you as well, but to be honest all I can think of now is soaking my brain in blissful silence and having a really long nap. So do you mind if we postpone our conversation for a while? Otherwise I’m afraid I might just doze off in the middle of it, however amazing things you’re telling me might be.”

“Of course I don’t mind.” Gabriel nodded. “You take as much time as you need. I can come back later. After all, we’ve got all of the eternity here. No need to rush.”

“Thanks. Again. And please, _do_ come back later. I’m really looking forward to that conversation.”

“Will do, boss. Will do.”

Right as he spoke, God was curling up on his throne, or rather just a very big cloud now as all the shining had been gone. He was fast asleep already, snoring lightly, and his face looked so peaceful and happy, that the sight made Gabriel smile a little before he turned around and started walking in the general direction of the part of Heavenly Valley where the other four angels were gathered around his laptop with their eyes glued to the screen.


	6. Chapter 6

As it turned out, the angels had stopped watching the show quite some time ago, and were… otherwise engaged and quite busy at that. Gabriel heard them long before he could see their faces clearly. They were so engrossed in their argument that they didn’t even notice Gabriel as he approached their clouds, hopped on one and sat there with his legs crossed, watching them with an amused smile.

“How can you even _say_ that, Luci, it’s such a load of bullshit I’m surprised you used your brain at all to come up with that!”

“Oh, as if _you_ have used your brain for the past millennium for anything more complicated than poking your nose, and I’m sure you did a shitty job even at that, because the result looks, quite frankly, _fugly!_ ”

“I’m sorry, Lucifer, but Balthazar’s nose looks rather aesthetically appealing to me, and I don’t-”

“Thanks, Cassie, but for the love of God, _please_ stop taking his lousy comebacks so literally! And fyi, Luci, my nose looks _just fine,_ thank you very much!”

“Sure it does, Balth, for a nose you’ve been poking with a long stick for, like, _ever_ , it looks _just fine indeed!_ ”

“Can we _please_ stop all this nonsense and get on with the show?”

“Oh shut up Mikey!” Balthazar and Lucifer yelled simultaneously and stared at each other in shocked silence, as they both realized that it was the first thing they’d agreed on in quite a while.

Michael was holding his head in his hands, obviously trying his best to rein in his temper. Castiel was attempting to get the laptop to play his favorite episode about bees. There were not as many bees as he would like to, and many other insects as well, but he liked it anyway. When he finally found it, pressed play and tried for putting his earbuds in his ears inconspicuously, Michael lifted his head, looked at him blankly and said:

“Castiel, you can’t be more wrong if you think we are going to watch that episode with the insects for the third time!”

Balthazar and Lucifer snapped out of their staring contest at the sound of Michael's voice and turned to glare at Castiel.

“I don’t see why _I_ can’t watch it, Michael. You three seem to be preoccupied with your discussion, and as I have neither intent nor desire to partake in it, I’d rather watch my favorite episode in the meantime. I am not going to watch a new episode without you, so I do not understand what seems to be the problem here.”

Castiel’s calm reasoning seemed to do nothing but infuriate others. Michael’s expression shifted towards his ‘oncoming shitstorm’ face, Lucifer made a move to grab the laptop while Balthazar went for Castiel’s earbuds.

Gabriel decided to intervene before things got too ugly for his liking.

“The first fandom war is about to happen here, if I’m not mistaken. There’s no way I could have missed _that!_ ”

Gabriel sunk back into his cloud with a wry smile, making himself comfortable.

“Oh, please, don’t mind me, fellas. I’ll be sitting right here, enjoying your little show.”

They all stopped and turned towards him. For a moment it looked like they were about to lash out, making Gabriel their new target, but a certain glimmer in his eyes made them hesitate a bit. Then, one after the other, the realization dawned on them, and they shifted about uncomfortably, trying their best to avoid looking at each other or even Gabriel for that matter.

Gabriel’s face softened a little, even though he still looked extremely amused.

“Mind telling me what all the fuss was about?”

There was a pause and more uncomfortable shifting. Michael poked at the cloud. Lucifer rubbed his neck. Balthazar shrugged and stared into the distance above Gabriel’s head.

“I can’t really remember, to be honest.” Balthazar shifted his gaze to Gabriel as he finally spoke. “But you know how it usually is with those two.” He nodded at Michael and Lucifer. “I guess I got carried away.”

Michael opened his mouth as if to say something, but then closed it and remained silent. Castiel was fiddling with the earbuds in his lap.

“I’m pretty sure it was something about the show. At first. Different opinions, you know.” Lucifer waved his hand in the air and frowned. “I guess we all got carried away there, haven’t we.”

“I told you right at the beginning of it that we should simply keep watching, and the matter would resolve itself,” Castiel said as he looked at them sullenly.

“And we have a winner! Cassie, always the voice of reason!” Gabriel chimed in gleefully. “Now, let’s not waste it, shall we? Where did you stop?”

“I believe it was somewhere in the middle of season two. Episode thirteen, if I am not mistaken.” Castiel turned his attention to the laptop as he spoke, putting on the episode he mentioned.

“Whoa, you got pretty far into it while I was gone. Guess it took me a little longer than I thought.”

“There is literally nothing else to do here, what did you expect?” Lucifer shrugged and plopped onto the cloud next to Castiel.

“True, true… oh, by the way, we won’t need these any longer,” Gabriel said, pointing at the earbuds. “I’ve kinda sorted out the Heavenly Choir, so it’s not gonna be an issue anymore.”

He looked very smug as he unplugged the splitter and adjusted speaker volume on the laptop.

“You are full of surprises, Gabriel. It is rather odd, considering our situation here” Michael waved his hand about, gesturing at the cloudy valley. “But I guess we won’t get anything from you until you think it’s time to share, am I right?”

“Oh, Mikey, I am _so_ touched! You know me better than I know myself. You’re such a good friend!” Gabriel put his hand to his chest and made gooey eyes at Michael.

Michael snorted and turned to face the screen.

“All right, let’s get on with it already.”

…

Gabriel was glad they’d watched so many episodes without him, so now he didn’t have to wait too long to see the look on their faces when the show came to a certain point. _Finally,_ he thought. _Finally._ He tried his best to look nonchalant and hide his smile as credits rolled on screen for episode fourteen and they moved on to the next one. He patiently sat through the opening sequence (and couldn’t quite believe that they _still_ were not skipping through _previously on_ to the beginning of the episode itself) and the first scenes with the promiscuous professor and the girl. As soon as his scene began, zooming out from his hand locking the door, he braced himself and watched the others carefully for their reactions.

First, there were none. Camera zoomed in on the professor’s smashed head, then the screen changed to the flaming title, then the next scene appeared, and then, finally, Castiel hit pause, and they all turned to stare at him with bewildered eyes and mixed expressions. Gabriel looked back at them, raising an eyebrow.

“What is it, guys? Why did you stop?” he deadpanned, not twitching even a little.

There was a long pause.

“Gabriel, was that… was it… was it you?”

Castiel was the first to be able to speak again, while others just stared at Gabriel, gaping like fish out of the water. Gabriel felt like a Hollywood action movie star surrounded by teenage fangirls. It was his moment of glory. However, he managed to keep a straight face, taking it a little further.

“What do you mean, Cassie? Where?”

“Just now, in the show. You had keys in your hand and then a dead man dropped onto the stairs behind you?” Castiel narrowed his eyes. “It _was_ you, wasn’t it? Quit fooling about, Gabriel, and tell us what this means!”

Gabriel threw his hands up in mock surrender but with a smug smile on his face.

“Alright, alright, there’s no need to be so intimidating! Although I must say, you’ve got potential right there, Cassie.” Gabriel winked. “Might come in handy pretty soon.”

Castiel squinted more and almost pierced Gabriel with his death glare.

“Anyway.” Gabriel spoke again after a dramatic pause. “To answer your question, yes, that was me, an actor in a TV show, playing a character on screen. Any more questions or shall we get on with it?”

“But how did you manage that? Leaving Heaven, for once, I thought it was closed off?”

“Oh, where did you think I went, Mikey, to drag that thing,” Gabriel pointed to the laptop, “here? And the outfit? What, y’all thought Hell became some sort of pop culture and casual fashion outlet as soon as Luci was out the door?”

Gabriel shifted his gaze from one to the other.

“Aww, come on! Please don’t tell me you all thought I was chillin’ in Hell, it puts a certain shadow of doubt on your mental abilities. We are angels, for fuck’s sake! We used to be able to do a LOT more than just sit around, bickering like some _humans_ in a senior home and being bored out of our minds!”

“Yes, yes, you are clever and witty beyond anything fathomable, we got that part loud and clear, thank you very much!” Balthazar’s sarcasm was almost palpable. “Mind sharing with the rest of us here how you managed to pull that off, now?”

“Ah, well… you know I used to travel a lot, back in the day? Might have learned a trick or two while I was at it. Met some folks, too. Helped them out then, they helped me out now, so I think it was a win-win, don’t you agree?”

Lucifer was about to say something, but Gabriel stopped him and continued:

“Never mind that, it is really not very important right now. What you should be focusing on is that we’ve got ourselves a perfect opportunity here, lads. We can go to Earth and get to be on that show!”

They all stayed silent, trying to process his words.

“Why would we want to do that?” Castiel asked, frowning.

“Because it’s _fun,_ Cassie, that’s why! Besides,” Gabriel wiggled his eyebrows, “I know how to make it even better. We can get to play ourselves!”

“Don’t get me wrong, Gabe, I’m all for it; hell, we all are for anything other than sitting on these damn clouds for another millennium, but how exactly would we manage that?” Lucifer asked.

“There are no angels in Supernatural, you should know that better than anyone, Gabriel, you have been _on_ the show after all,” Castiel added, looking at Gabriel questioningly. “And you didn’t get to play yourself by the looks of it, did you?”

“No, I didn’t play myself. Yet. I played the Trickster, which is quite close if you ask me, – oh, sorry! Should have said spoiler alert!” Gabriel made a face. “But that we can change, I assure you. I mean, come on! This show’s got everything, literally almost every other mythological creature there is. They’ve got demons, vampires, shapeshifters, werewolves, pagan gods and demi-gods – you name it! So I say, why not the angels? It’s only logical that the world that has demons and Hell must have angels and Heaven, is it not?”

“I guess you are right about that,” Michael mused, “but how shall we actually _do_ that? I know you have some sort of a plan, Gabe, so spill. If you don’t tell us everything now, I might as well get back to my cloud-writing instead of blindly following your whims!”

“All right.” Gabriel sighed. “But, before I tell you – and I promise I will – can we please, _please_ finish this episode? It’ll be much easier to explain after we watch. Besides, I think I did a pretty good job on that one, and who’s better fit to appreciate it than my best friends?”

He smiled and batted his eyelashes at them until they finally conceded and got back to the laptop.

“Just this one, Gabe, and then you’re spilling your guts, or I swear to God!” Lucifer grumbled as they were all settled and Castiel hit play.


	7. Chapter 7

“So, whaddya think?”

Gabriel beamed at them, expecting a well-deserved praise for his outstanding performance as soon as they finished watching the episode.

“I do not understand, Gabriel. To me it mostly looked like you being… well, you. Although I must say, you do fit pretty well in the Supernatural world. Like you really belong there.”

“That, my dear Cassie, is what I call good acting. Hate to praise myself, but I’d say it was not bad at all for a first-timer.”

“Oh, please, you basically live on self-praise!” Lucifer snorted. “So I’m not gonna add to it, you already have more than enough. And correct me if I’m wrong, but you have promised to tell us all about that elaborate scheme of yours. Now’s the time, I believe.”

“Right. That.” Gabriel sighed, stalling a little longer. He knew his plan was going to work, for it was brilliant, considering their rather limited options. All he had to do was charm and trick his way into making them see the genuine brilliance of it. Not that he couldn’t do it alone; he’d already done it, hadn’t he? But getting the others to join him was _a lot_ more fun.

“It’s all quite easy to grasp, actually. We all get to planet Earth, because we _can_ – and because I know the way – mingle with humans and get ourselves to be cast as the angels on Supernatural. Not so hard to get now, is it?”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Gabe, quit playing dumb!” Balthazar sounded rather annoyed. “You know all too well that we’re asking how exactly you are planning to do _all that_. Do you need me to spell it out for you? Or you got the general idea?”

“Alright, alright, no need to get so angsty! Where do I begin… ah, yes. The show. The episode we’ve just watched. Remember what I told you before? Easier to explain?”

Gabriel received such a beautiful set of eyerolls and bitchfaces as an answer to his last question, that for a brief moment he regretted not bringing a camera with him. He considered another dramatic pause but quickly decided against it, and continued talking before anyone could yell ‘get on with it’ at him.

“So, if you were paying attention, you are now fully aware of the show’s lore on tricksters.” He couldn’t help holding another pause, but this time he needed it to try and better phrase what he was about to dump on their heads.

“The fact of the matter is that the lore isn’t made up. Not entirely, I mean. And as far as my character on the show is concerned, that’s not all writers’ creative imagination either.”

“Are you trying to tell us that you are actually a _trickster?_ ” Michael’s eyes widened in disbelief as he spoke.

Lucifer snorted. Balthazar rolled his eyes. Castiel squinted.

Gabriel shook his head and waved his hand dismissively.

“As much as I would _love_ to take credit, the answer is no, Mikey. I’m not the Trickster. The, by the way, as in the only one there is. He used to be known under various aliases back in the day, so I’m guessing the lore on multiple tricksters stems from that.”

“What other sorts of things did we miss, do tell!” Balthazar scoffed. “Vampires? Ghosts? The entire cast of Supernatural monsters? You seriously can’t be standing there and telling us some mythological creature really exists!”

“Said a mythological creature. Sitting on a cloud. In Heaven. I strongly suggest you rethink that, Balth. And try using your brain this time, it can do wonders for ya, or so I’ve heard.”

Balthazar had a hard time trying to find some witty retort to shoot back at him by the looks of it, but Gabriel continued speaking, disregarding his angry glares and huffs completely.

“Here’s the thing, guys. I know it’s been hard on us, all of us, since we were dragged here. But we used to be _angels_. And guess what? We still are. Even if we don’t have powers for flying or smiting and stuff any longer, we still have our knowledge. We’ve been watching humanity for quite some time before we ended up here. Don’t you ever wonder why?”

“The development of human science stripped us of our powers and put us into this valley, I am sure you know that, Gabriel, just like everybody else does.” Castiel’s tone was calm and serious. “To be honest, I am surprised I have to remind you of such a common fact.”

“You know, Cassie, you should try out sarcasm sometime. I’m ready to bet anything you’ll be unstoppable once you get the gist of it, what with your perfect deadpan technique and all.” Gabriel chuckled at Castiel’s confused frown. “I wasn’t asking why we were put in this valley. I mean, that, too, but that is not the main part of the question. Why have we been watching humanity?”

“Are we playing dumb questions now?”

“I know it sounds ridiculous, Luci. But please. Humor me.”

“Alright.” Lucifer glanced at the others and shrugged. “We used to watch humanity because that was what God made us for.”

“And why did he make us?”

“Umm… so that we could help?”

“Really? Help God, who was supposed to be the all-powerful creator of everything?”

“But we did help him, didn’t we, so what’s your point?”

“Okay, okay. My next question is: who created God then?”

“What do you mean? Nobody created him, he just… was. Is. Oh, you know!”

“He just was. Right. What about other gods? The ones that were before our God came into the picture?”

“There are no other gods. Never were. They are a myth. They don’t exist.”

“Technically we don’t exist either. Not on Earth, not among humans. I think it will only be fair to say that we are as mythological as they come. Humans don’t believe in us anymore. For them an angel of the lord is as real as a unicorn. Am I getting my point across yet?”

There was a confused silence, and then Castiel spoke hesitantly:

“Are you implying that pagan gods and all sorts of other mythological creatures we considered to be non-existent, do, in fact, exist somewhere, but not on Earth among humans, pretty much just like us here?”

“That is exactly what I was trying to say! You put rational thinking to good use, Cassie, I’m so proud of you! And if you take it a little further, you will all come to the same conclusions I did. It’s rather simple, really. If our God is an all-powerful creator of the universe, he should _still_ be all-powerful, doing whatever he feels like doing and not giving two craps about scientific proof of his non-existence. But he isn’t. He is weak, stripped of all powers now, just like us, and the poor guy had to endure Heavenly Choir non-stop 24/7, and wasn’t able to do anything about it, can you imagine that? However, there was a time when he was all-powerful, and it was the time when humans believed in him. Like, really, truly believed. So if you take these facts into consideration, there is only one logical reason for our existence you can come up with. Would any of you like to deduce it?”

Gabriel waited patiently for the others to wrap their brains around this new concept. _It could be somewhat shocking to them,_ he thought. It did redefine their entire existence after all.

Balthazar snorted. Lucifer rolled his eyes. Michael gaped. Castiel squinted even more and tilted his head. Then, they all started talking at once.

“Oh, come on!”

“But it can’t be!”

“Bollocks!”

“That _is_ the only plausible explanation, so…”

They fell silent again. Gabriel waited.

“It’s true, then,” Balthazar said after a long pause. “Well, I suppose it does make things somewhat easier for us, doesn’t it? Different, at least. I mean, we definitely should follow through with Gabe’s plan now. Which reminds me.” He looked at Gabriel pointedly. “Tell us, Gabe, how exactly you intend to bring the whole _‘mingle with humans’_ concept to life? We are angels. And as I see it, we have nothing but our pretty faces to get us into that show. We don’t even have last names, for fuck’s sake. And correct me if I’m wrong, but our first names are not something to go by, are they?”

“Of course they are not and of course we’re not gonna use them. They are going to be our characters’ names after all. What we need is human aliases, and not just names, we need _everything_. Complete biographies along with real people who know us. Friends, parents, spouses, that sort of thing.”

“And how are we gonna get all that?”

“Ah, that’s where the Trickster comes in. You see, me and him, we sort of have history. I’ve met him back in my messenger days, helped him out. Then he helped me, and long story short, we’ve been trading favors ever since. He owed me one before we got stuck here, so I paid him a visit and got myself a brand-new human identity. Trickster is very good at that, trust me. My new identity is so perfectly weaved into humanity that nobody would even begin to think I’m something other than your average Joe.”

“So this Trickster, is he going to do the same for us then?” Lucifer shook his head in disbelief. “Must have been a big favor, one he owed you.”

“No, he’s not that generous. I’m gonna ask him to teach me how to do it. And don’t worry, it won’t take long, his tricks are pretty simple once you get at least one of them, and I’ve learned quite a few back in the day. In return I have something I’m willing to give away and it is most likely he might be interested in the thing.”

“What is it?” Michael and Balthazar asked and glanced at each other, surprised. Michael was the one to continue. “From what you said he seems to be a very powerful creature, what can you possibly have that might interest him?”

“I have this.” Gabriel triumphantly pulled the tinfoil-wrapped ball out of his pocket and tossed it in the air. “The Heavenly Choir itself. Source of it, anyway. I’d take off the wrapper to show you, but it’s the thing that keeps them quiet, and I promised boss he’d never hear them again, so I won’t risk it. What if they yell in his ears and he goes completely deaf?”

“What would he want that horrible singing for?”

“It’s perfect for him. He’s the Trickster. His favorite thing is annoying the hell out of everyone. Can you imagine anything more annoying than this?” Gabriel raised an eyebrow and looked at Michael.

“Yeah, probably not. Good. You know, the more we talk about it, the less crazy this plan of yours looks to me, Gabe. I’m starting to think it might even be worth a shot. Watching the show is a nice change after we’ve been stuck here doing nothing forever, but actually being on it sounds a lot more appealing.”

“Aww, your wisdom overwhelms me, Mikey. Y’all should follow his lead,” Gabriel said, pointing his finger at Lucifer, Balthazar and Castiel. “He’s got the brains, this one, I’m tellin’ ya.”

“Oh I have absolutely no doubt about that,” Lucifer grumbled. “Sometimes he even uses them a tad too much if you ask me. And, by the way, I think we forgot one very important issue with Gabe’s plan. Got a bit distracted by disputing over the greater reasons for our existence and all.”

“What issue?” Michael frowned.

“The one where ‘there-are-no-angels-in-Supernatural’? Ring any bells?” Lucifer sneered at Michael and turned to Gabriel. “Tell us, oh great one, how do you suppose we get around this little tiny detail?”

“That’s a good question, Luci, I’m glad you asked.” Gabriel held a dramatic pause, frowning, bowing his head and shifting about uncomfortably, as if he didn’t have the answer yet. Then he looked up at Lucifer with a smug smile and said:

“Oh, wait. I think _you_ are forgetting something.”

“Am I?”

“Yeah. Think about it. We are the _angels_.”

“So? In case you’d forgotten, there isn’t a lot of angelic stuff we can do.”

“But there is one very important thing. We _still_ can bring God’s messages to humans. And what’s even better, we don’t need to burst into their homes or appear in flaming bushes in order to do so. Go subtle, whisper in their ear, figuratively speaking, and we’ve got ourselves beautiful new angelic storyline in the scripts for the next season. So… are you ready to admit that this is the most brilliant plan you’ve ever seen yet?”

“Does that mean we shall need God to give us the message to deliver to the humans, and the message should be very specific?”

“Way ahead of you on that, Cassie. I’ve already had a quick chat with our boss and I have a feeling that he will be glad to help us out. So, what do you say guys? Are you all in?”

They glanced at each other, then at Gabriel.

“It’s not like we have anything more interesting to do.” Lucifer shrugged. “So yeah, I’m in.”

“I find the idea of getting to live a human life fascinating and I would definitely like to try it out.”

“Count me in.”

“Me too.”

“Great!” Gabriel grinned and clasped his hands. “Now that we are – finally! – on the same page, I think it’s time to move it on to the next! I’ve got old pals to visit and stuff to do, you’ve still got episodes to watch, so let’s get to it, shall we?”

And he was gone before any of them could say anything.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song lyrics used in this chapter are from [_Dust in the Wind_](http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/kansas/dustinthewind.html) by Kansas

Gabriel was humming happily as he once again walked through the Heavenly Valley towards God’s throne. So far everything went perfectly according to his plan. Trickster was delighted with his new toy and left to sneak it into Thor’s bedroom right after he fine-tuned it to his liking and popped Human Identity 101 into Gabriel’s head. Gabriel even felt a little sorry for the guy as he was well aware of the direction Trickster’s pranks usually took, but figured he had it coming anyway given the fact that their relationship strongly resembled that of Michael and Lucifer.

As he approached the throne, Gabriel found that God was nowhere to be seen. He walked around the bulky thing, just to make sure, but God wasn’t hiding behind it either.

“Hey, boss?” Gabriel called hesitantly.

He paused, but no reply came. He rubbed his neck, unsure what to do next, and settled on waiting for a while, hoping that wherever God might have wandered off to, he’d be back soon enough as they had an appointment here anyway. As he was climbing onto the throne, he noticed there was something written on its back. The thing was so huge that he had to actually crawl across it in order to get a closer look at the message.

_‘Got bored. Went looking for you. Meet me there.’_

Gabriel let out an amused huff and moved to get off the throne. He started walking again, in the same direction he’d gone before when he was leaving this place, and he was pretty sure in the same one God left when he went looking for him.

As he was approaching the spot where the four angels and, as he hoped, God were hanging out, he heard something _very_ odd. He frowned, thinking for a moment that Trickster decided to pull a prank on him for whatever reason, and the annoying Heavenly Choir was back. But as he reluctantly drew closer, hating the fact that he’d have to go about looking for and catching that darned ball _again,_ he realized that the voices he heard were, unlike the Choir, pretty much corporeal, and belonged to none other than Castiel, Balthazar, Michael, Lucifer and God.

 _I close my eyes,_  
_Only for a moment, and the moment's gone._  
 _All my dreams,_  
 _Pass before my eyes, a curiosity._

All angels could sing. They could easily carry a tune, match any pitch or split any melody into a complicated polyphony on the go without even thinking about it twice. In fact, it was a very popular pastime among the angels a while back, before they were all banished into the cloudy valley. They’d gather in some secluded spot on Earth, usually three or four of them at a time, somewhere no human could see or hear them, and sing.

_Dust in the wind,  
All they are is dust in the wind._

They’d sing old songs, old as the world, beautiful ancient melodies that were long forgotten and abandoned by the humans. The angels knew, and loved, and remembered them all. They’d sing new songs, every new tune spreading quickly among them the moment it was hummed or written down by a human who composed it. The angels kept a record of every melody ever written, and they valued and treasured each and every one of them like the precious gemstones they were.

 _Same old song,_  
_Just a drop of water in an endless sea._  
 _All we do,_  
 _Crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see._

They’d sing of hope, and happiness, and joy, and friendship, and loyalty, and love as they watched a new day dawn, in all its splendor and glory. They’d sing of loss, and grief, and sorrow, and pain, and sadness, and death as they watched raindrops fall from the vast grey sea of clouds hanging low above the ground. They found proper time and place for every song they sang, weaving the beauty of the words and melody into the beauty of everything around them.

_Dust in the wind,  
All we are is dust in the wind._

When they were thrown into this valley and heard ethereal harmonizing for the first time, it felt like it was mocking them, for the disembodied voices weren’t singing about anything. There was no meaning, no emotion. It was _empty_. And it hurt.

 _Now, don't hang on,_  
_Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky._  
 _It slips away,_  
 _All your money won't another minute buy._

So they stopped. Gabriel hasn’t heard an angel sing ever since. They simply couldn’t bring themselves to do it, not when the Heavenly Choir was there to laugh in their faces every couple of hours.

 _Dust in the wind,_  
_All we are is dust in the wind._  
 _Dust in the wind,_  
 _Everything is dust in the wind._

As soon as they finished the last chorus of the song, they heard a slow clap. Turning towards the sound, they saw Gabriel, who was grinning at them and applauding their performance.

“I take it you guys have found my classic rock collection. Good choice, and you did a nice job on this one. I must say I’m impressed.”

“We’ve run out of episodes to watch,” Castiel said flatly, “you were not here still _yet again_ , so we had to find something better to do rather than arguing over possible endings for season three.”

“Oh, by the way, good job on _Mystery Spot_ , Gabe,” Lucifer butted in. “It was hilarious. Even Cassie here smiled a bit.”

“Finally, someone appreciates my hard work! Thanks for your support, Luci!”

Castiel patiently waited for them to finish and continued talking as if he hadn’t been interrupted at all.

“Then boss came here looking for you, and as you were _still_ not here, we had to tell him everything about your plan. Not only has he agreed to help us, but expressed his desire to join us in this _‘crazy scheme of Gabe’s’_ , as he rather eloquently put it.”

Gabriel smiled and looked at God, who seemed to be absorbed in some deep thought, not paying much attention to the conversation.

“I’m glad you decided to join us, boss. I’m sure it’ll be a lot more fun with you on board, so welcome to the team.”

God blinked, slowly emerging from his thoughts, and looked at Gabriel.

“You know, it never occurred to me before, but now I’m pretty sure I’ve always wanted to be in a band.”

“Sure thing, boss.” Gabriel chuckled. “That can be arranged.”


	9. Chapter 9

After what seemed like an eternity and was most likely close to several _hours_ of pleas, loud arguing and even screaming, Gabriel was officially done. For the first time since this whole idea popped into his head he felt dangerously close to calling it quits, and it was all because he made a dumb mistake of suggesting the others to throw their ideas of their future human identity at him. At first, they were stunned by the fact that it was _actually_ happening, and fell silent for a while, contemplating. However, the silence didn’t last.

Balthazar was the first to break it.

“So, you’re saying that we require all sorts of _people_ that should be close to us? Like a… like a wife? How would it work exactly? You put a spell on them or something?”

“Yep, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Close and important people: parents, siblings, spouses, girlfriends – or boyfriends, whatever you’d prefer, – friends and other relatives. Every human is a part of a family, as well as various social groups throughout their lives, and it is extremely rare that a person would have no relatives and no friends whatsoever. We’re trying to blend in, remember? So, we’ve got to have all that among other things. As for the ‘how’ part of your question, just leave that to me. We’ll be here for another millennium if I start explaining the mechanics of interdimensional shifts or interchangeable time-space windows of improbable probabilities, and I’m sure none of you would want that, so let’s just settle at this: it works, and me being on that show is a solid proof that it works perfectly.”

“Yeah, but I don’t _want_ a wife!” Balthazar pouted. “Not right away, at least. I want to embrace everything there is to being human, and I think it would be rather silly of me to stick to just one person. Surely, I might get down to that later on, but now I want a full experience, if you know what I mean.”

And as on cue, they all started speaking at once, first throwing their suggestions at Gabriel, then turning on each other to shout and argue about ridiculous choices the others made. It was impossible to hear anything but bits and pieces of ‘I want’s and ‘I need’s, lame insults and lousy comebacks. At some point God managed to get to Gabriel, who was pacing around in vain attempts of getting away from the yelling angels, squeezed his elbow, muttered something into his ear and left. Gabriel could not hear what exactly God told him, but he got the idea and nodded briefly when the retreating figure turned around and looked at him, making sure he got the message right.

He could not stand it anymore. Talking to them was pretty useless, for they were not listening to anything being said, including their own words, it seemed. Gabriel tried yelling at them, but his voice was lost among theirs. So he was sitting on a cloud for the last quarter of an hour, holding his head in his hands, rocking slightly as he desperately tried to think of something – anything – to make them stop. He jumped off the cloud and began pacing again. He wasn’t sure why he’d done it, but at that point his body seemed to switch the autopilot on, and his autopilot did what he should have done the moment they all started shouting. His feet tapped on the cloudy surface here and there while he paced, until they found a soft spot and he sank through the clouds, landing in hell.

Gabriel continued pacing automatically, but after three more steps he realized he could not hear the others anymore. He stopped, took a deep breath and looked around, noticing the familiar landscape. Without all that shouting his ability to think came back to him, and he knew what he had to do to sort the whole thing out.

He arrived at Trickster’s to find the place lacking its owner as he was greeted by a disembodied voice (no doubt, one of the Heavenly Choir), that sounded just like Trickster’s, but without his mannerisms and _extremely_ polite.

“Hello, and welcome, my dear friends, or enemies – you know me well enough to be sincerely welcome here – to my humble quarters. Unfortunately, I’m not available at the moment, for I am not home and quite busy elsewhere. Please leave your name and message after the tone, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. Or not.”

There was a pause, and Gabriel waited for the signal to start speaking, but the voice continued.

“P.S. My beloved brother, if I say I’m not home it means I’m out and not hiding under the couch. You of all people should know I never repeat my tricks. Oh, and by the way, if you trash my place with that toy hammer of yours _again,_ I can guarantee you those lovely gentlemen shall continue serenading you indefinitely. And good luck finding them. You won’t be able to, all I’m sayin’. Cheers.”

Another pause.

“P.P.S. Gabe, if it’s you, I forgot to tell you the most important thing about the thing we discussed. You know which. Please proceed to my study, you’ll find everything you need in there.”

After that there was a loud bang that echoed through the halls and resonated inside Gabriel’s skull. He assumed that was the end of recorded message and started speaking as soon as the echoes died away.

“Hey buddy, Gabe here. Got your message. I’m glad you’re enjoying your new toy. See ya.”

After the same too-polite-to-be-Trickster voice said _‘Message recorded. Thank you’,_ Gabriel strolled down the hall towards the study. He entered the room, walked across to an empty table by the window and knocked on the table three times. After that a message saying _‘Hello, Gabriel’_ flashed briefly on its surface, then a glass half filled with some clear liquid appeared on the table, accompanied by another message: _‘Drink me, Gabriel’._

Gabriel chuckled as he picked up the glass and downed it in one go. That particular _Alice in Wonderland_ quote was their inside joke. He sank into the armchair that stood nearby and closed his eyes, waiting for the stuff he drank to kick in. Five minutes later he knew how to solve his little problem, and he also got a neat little trick that could come in handy pretty soon as a bonus.

When he popped back up in heavenly valley, the angels were still arguing. It looked like they hadn’t even noticed his brief absence. Gabriel smirked and snapped his fingers.

Suddenly it was very quiet.

The angels looked at each other, opening their mouths as if to continue talking, but no sounds came through. One by one, they turned their confused gazes to Gabriel, who started speaking as soon as he made sure he got everyone’s attention.

“Okay, listen up, kids. First off, sorry I had to mute you, but it was the only way to make you stop. And yes, I can do that now, so I suggest you rethink your future shout-offs, they are getting old. Seriously, guys, sometimes it feels like all you do is argue and shout at each other. Aren’t you just a little bit tired of it?”

He looked them in the eye, one after the other. They shifted uncomfortably, trying to avoid his stare.

“Now, I shall unmute you, but hear me out before you start speaking again, okay? After all we are millennia old creatures, surely we can do without all that childish nonsense?”

Hesitantly and unwittingly, they all nodded in acknowledgement. Gabriel snapped his fingers.

“Glad you listened to the voice of reason. Now back to our little problem here. Turns out, it wasn’t a problem at all, and there was no need to yell and argue. When I give you your brand-new human identity, I won’t give you just that. It won’t be something like those fake IDs the Winchester bros use in the show. It’s gonna be the real deal. A real human life lived by you from birth up to the point when you’d be called in to audition for the show.”

At that moment Michael opened his mouth, but Gabriel stopped him, shaking his index finger in front of his face.

“Ah ah ah, Mikey. Not done talking yet.”

Michael closed his mouth with a sigh, but didn’t say anything. The silence trick proved to be _very_ effective. Gabriel smiled triumphantly and continued.

“Of course, you won’t _really_ be living those lives from birth. But you’ll have all the memories of your human selves. You’ll remember your childhoods, and schools, and growing up and first jobs and everything else that comes with a human life as if you have lived it. And for the people close to you it will be true, you will have lived your lives since birth for your parents and since the moment you met for everyone else. So you have lived them and have not lived them at the same time. It’s a paradox, I know, but most of Trickster’s magic thrives on paradoxes. As for other minor details of your biographies, they will all be derived from your current personalities. It’ll be like for the humans, but the other way round. Human personality is shaped by their family, environment growing up, school they go to, college they pick, people they socialize with and so on and so forth. You – you already have your personalities, so it is your current personality that’ll do the shaping. Got it?”

“I think I understand, Gabriel. You mean to tell us that we do not need to choose and lay out every single detail of our human lives in order to get a human identity, because as the result of Trickster magic all the choices will be made as if we made them ourselves, am I correct?”

Balthazar, Michael and Lucifer stared at Castiel incredulously.

“See?” Gabriel said, pointing at Castiel and looking at the others. “He is the smart one, and he actually listens when someone talks to him. You all should try it sometime.”

“So,” Lucifer said, his voice a little gruff from all the shouting before, “so you are saying we don’t have to choose anything?”

“That’s right. You’ll get exactly what you want. And all I have to do is-”

And Gabriel snapped his fingers.


	10. Chapter 10

…

_Earth date: April 2008. Heaven date: eternity._

…

Castiel held a pause, the last lines of the dialogue he had just read still ringing in the room. Then, after a beat, he relaxed his shoulders, shifted his weight from one foot to the other and looked at the audience with a small smile.

“I believe that was the end of the scene. I mean, umm… I’ve got no more pages, so…” He trailed off, as the casting director was nodding to something her assistant told her in a hushed tone.

“Oh, yes, thank you, Mr. Collins.” Her attention snapped back to him and she looked up and smiled. “We shall contact your agent in a couple of days.”

Castiel smiled back, nodded curtly, turned around and left the room. He stopped by the greenroom to grab his bag and was making his way towards the exit when he saw an all-too-familiar figure strolling casually in his direction. He froze, frowning in confusion as the man approached him.

“Oh, hello, it’s Misha, right?” he said with a wink. “How are you today?”

Castiel shot a glance back to make sure nobody could overhear them and glared at him.

“ _Lucifer,_ ” he hissed. “ _What are you doing here?”_

Lucifer stuck out his hand with a smug half-smirk playing at his lips and continued speaking, completely ignoring Castiel’s previous remark.

“I’m Mark. Nice to finally meet you, I’ve heard so much about you.”

It took almost all of Castiel’s willpower to school his face into a neutral and polite expression, and take the offered hand as some girl hurried past them along the corridor, the clanking of her heels muffled by the carpet. He managed a tight smile as he shook Lucifer’s hand, saying _it’s nice to meet you too, Mark,_ while the girl was still within hearing distance. However, as soon as she turned the corner he yanked Lucifer closer by the hand he was still holding and all but spat in his face.

“I said, what are you doing here, _Lucifer?”_

“Hey, now, Misha, chill!” Lucifer backed away, prying his hand out of Castiel’s death grip and shaking it out a little. “I know you are a great actor and all, but there’s absolutely no need to show off your skills on me like that. I believe you, man, that was some good Castiel stuff, very much in character, I’d say.”

Lucifer’s smile was smug and confident as ever, and Castiel could tell that he was enjoying the situation immensely, and there was absolutely no way Lucifer would give anything away without him playing along. Messing with the other angels was Lucifer’s favorite pastime. Castiel sighed.

“Uh – okay – umm… Sorry about that, _Mark,_ guess I got carried away a bit there.” Castiel chuckled and looked a bit embarrassed. He _was_ a good actor after all. “It’s just, you see, I’ve just read for the part, so… still not fully out of character I guess. These things take time, you know. If you’re _really_ into it I mean.”

“Oh, no worries. I totally understand. Happens to all of us, right?”

Lucifer offered a polite smile and another wink that made Castiel want to crawl out of his skin and punch him in the face. He clenched his fists and slowly counted to ten before attempting to speak again.

“Yeah, right. Anyway, funny running into you here of all places. What brings you by?”

“Um, same as you, I guess. Came in to read for the part. They’ve called my agent yesterday, asked if I would be interested in playing Castiel, and I thought, why not give it a try. I don’t have much going on at the moment, and I love my job so of course I said yes.” Lucifer lifted his shoulders in an exaggerated shrug and made a goofy face at Castiel, then suddenly frowned, looking concerned. “Oh I hope it’s okay with you, Mish. I mean, obviously you are their top choice, and you’d do great, but I guess they wanted to look at some other options on portraying the character. It doesn’t bother you, does it? ‘Cause it’d make me look bad if it did.”

Castiel stared at Lucifer, his eyes wide in disbelief. His brain was a complete mess and seemed to be unable to process what he’d just heard. He opened his mouth, trying to say something, but nothing came out, so he closed it again. Lucifer’s smirk was triumphant, and it was obvious that Castiel gaping at him like that was his ultimate goal from the get-go. Lucifer basked in his triumph for a bit and then glanced at his watch with a mock frown.

“Oh, look at the time! It surely does fly, doesn’t it? I guess I should be off. Better not keep’em waiting, huh?” With that, he turned around and sauntered away, giving Castiel a little wave as he went.

Castiel just stood there, watching him, still stunned and unable to move.

“I’ll see you around, Mish,” Lucifer called right before he turned the corner and disappeared from Castiel’s view.

Castiel kept standing there until someone shoved past him, throwing a muffled apology his way as they rushed ahead. Castiel finally snapped out of his stupor, anger quickly filling him up like a balloon, until he was about to burst. He had to do something, _anything._ He practically ran out of the building, fumbling for his phone as he went. Realizing that he was in no condition to drive, he paced around his car, holding the phone to his ear, waiting for the call to go through.

…

“Hello, yes, this is Dick.” Gabriel held a brief pause and chuckled at his own joke a little. “How may I help you today?”

“Ga…” Castiel cut himself short abruptly and groaned in frustration. “ _Richard,_ what the _hell_ is going on?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve just ran into Luci– ugh, for fuck’s sake! – _Mark,_ I ran into Mark, who apparently was here to read for the part. Do you by any chance know anything about that?”

Gabriel knew things were bad as soon as he heard Castiel swear. The shift in his tone from outraged to extremely pissed off and sarcastic just confirmed the gravity of the situation. He cursed internally while trying to come up with a better way of explaining everything to Castiel and realized that there wasn’t one. He sighed.

“First off, let me assure you I had nothing to do with this. Neither did I have any say in it, you know as well as I do that there’s no stopping him once he sets his mind on something. So-”

“ _You knew?!?_ Gabriel, what the actual fuck? A little heads-up would’ve been in order, don’t you think?”

“Hey, hey, Cassie, listen to me, just try to breathe, okay? Please. Deep slow breaths, in and out, just like that.” Gabriel spoke slowly and reassuringly, making a mental note to snap this conversation out of existence as soon as they were done.

They have all agreed to use their new names before swan-diving to Earth, and Gabriel made sure every one of them got the reason why they had to do it even if nobody could overhear them. ‘ _Reality’_ , he told them, ‘ _is like a paper ball on a rubber string. Everything there is to it is neatly packed under several layers of brightly-colored paper, and even if the ball bounces about a little, everything stays in place, safe and sound. And in order to get us inside we had to cut through the paper layers, so to speak. Of course, the paper was never actually cut, but now it has a weak spot at the entry point, because it **remembers** being cut. And us rolling around inside that ball calling each other by our angel names whenever we feel like it would affect that weak spot to remember more and actually get cut, so there’s a good chance we’ll fall right through it at the next bounce, however insignificant it might be, and even I don’t know what’d happen to us then’._

Of course, he’d exaggerated it a bit, just to make sure they wouldn’t _really_ get kicked to the curb of reality and spend a couple of millennia remembering who they were, but that didn’t make it any less true. When they were on Earth, they had to go by their human names. They could get away with a few exceptions to the rule, but not too many; and as Gabriel was pretty sure slips of the tongue would be a common thing, he decided upon immediate elimination of those that happened in his presence. Just to be on the safe side. He listened to Castiel’s heavy breathing and waited for it to even out a little before he spoke up again.

“Now, I understand you’re furious with him, I get it, okay? I was rather pissed off, too, when I heard about it. But it’s Luci we’re talking about, he does _everything_ to get on our nerves. It’s his definition of fun. You know as well as I do that he’s a dick, and I do not mean the fun kind of dick that my new name makes me, I mean the arrogant self-absorbed kind, and he’s always been that way, but he’s still our friend despite him being an annoying little shit on a regular basis.”

“Yes, Gabriel, I am quite aware of Lucifer’s behavior patterns, there really was no need to remind me. Now I’m actually angrier with you for not telling me about this stunt of his than with him for being his usual self. So thanks for reminding me to breathe, it really helped a lot to get myself together, but my question still stands. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t tell you about it because I found out right before your audition, Cassie. I didn’t want you to go in thinking about Luci being a dick instead of focusing on your acting. I thought I’d tell you right after, but Luci beat me to it. I should have realized he’d be there to rub it in your face. I’m sorry. I really am.”

There was a pause, and Gabriel held his breath, hoping that his words would have the desired effect.

“I accept your apology, Gabriel. And I would like to apologize as well. For lashing out on you like that. It was uncalled for. I know you have our best interests at heart. However, we’ve still got a problem. What are we going to do about the fact that Lucifer is auditioning for my part as we speak?”

Gabriel let out a relieved sigh when he heard Castiel get back to being calm and rational. Clearly he was still stressed as he kept using their angel names, but Gabriel was glad he listened to the voice of reason so quickly.

“Luci’s just messing with you, Cassie. I doubt he would actually go all the way and snitch the part away from you. Besides, if he does do that, it would mean someone _else_ will have to play him, and there is no way in hell he’d allow it to happen.”

“Oh, I haven’t thought about that. It is actually a good reason for him to drop his stupid, completely out-of-line behavior. Gabriel, can you please make sure he is aware of this fact?”

“Yeah, sure, I’ll call him right after his audition. Oh and I’ll also casually mention that you would be delighted to play Lucifer in case he gets the part of Castiel.”

“But… but I don’t… he would never agree to that.”

“My point exactly, Cassie. My point exactly.”

“Oh… Oh, I see. That’s a brilliant idea, Gabriel, thank you so much!”

“You’re welcome, _Misha_. Now, go home, spend some time with your wife, relax, you’ll get a call back tomorrow, go in, read for them again and everything will be right back on track after that. I promise.”

“Ugh… well, yeah… sorry about that. Thank you, Richard. You’re a good friend.”

“Please, Mish. How many times have I told you, you can call me Dick. Or Rich, if you like, though I personally prefer being called the former. I believe it reflects my personality better.”

“I’m sure it does, Dick.” Castiel snorted. “Thanks again.”

“Don’t mention it, buddy. That’s what I’m here for.”


	11. Chapter 11

…

_Earth date: May 2010. Heaven date: eternity._

…

Gabriel was sitting on a cloud, kicking his foot at its puffy edge. He’d been doing it for quite a while now, trying to shape it into something yet undistinguishable. It was not that he couldn’t make the annoyingly resilient cloudy substance into anything he liked by simply snapping his fingers (although snapping was pretty much redundant at that point, he still preferred to do things with a little bit of style). Monotonous physical activity with seemingly no results whatsoever was just something that had always helped him think.

Lucifer’s head popped up through a cloud nearby.

“There you are! I knew I’d find you moping around here!”

Lucifer’s tone was exaggeratedly cheerful and he gesticulated wildly as he spoke, plopping onto the cloud next to Gabriel with a broad grin.

“I’m not _moping_ , Luci. I’m thinking. And _please_ don’t take me wrong, but you ain’t exactly helping here. What was so urgent you had to come up looking for me anyway? Couldn’t you just call?”

Lucifer hunched his shoulders and made a pouty face. “I’m bored, Gabey! Let’s do something fun, please-please pretty please?”

Gabriel was absolutely certain that Lucifer had picked that puppy-eyed look from Jared. He sighed and ran a hand over his face.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, can’t you find something fun to do on your own? I did give you an entire human identity and a life full of such delicious things as _choices_ and _opportunities_ that came along with it, now, didn’t I? How about you go out there and explore those for a while?”

“But I’m bored! I’ve just finished filming my last scene this season, and Cassie won’t talk to me outside the set for whatever reason, Mikey’s no fun, Balthy’s not there _yet_ , you’re not there _anymore_ , and Rob – well, he’s _Rob_ , and to be honest I’m still finding it a little difficult to just hang out with the guy as he was the one who talked me into that whole Satan gig, and lemme tell ya – It. Was. Boring. And tedious. And boring.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get the idea. You know what? I hate to repeat myself, but why don’t _you_ do something about it?”

“Oh, but I did!” Lucifer smiled triumphantly and poked Gabriel’s chest with his finger. “I found you! Last time we were all bored out of our minds _you_ were the one who did something about it, so I’m the first one to ask this, but I’m pretty sure I won’t be the last: what’s next?”

“How about all that experiencing human life stuff? Surely you can’t be bored with it already, you’ve just started at it!”

“Huh, let me think about it for a moment.”

Lucifer made an exaggerated version of ‘thinking hard pose’ by looking up, knitting his eyebrows and resting his chin on his fist for the whole two and a half seconds before looking Gabriel dead in the eye.

“ _Of course_ I’m bored with it! To be honest, this whole thing wasn’t as exciting as I thought it would be, what with you giving us all those realistic memories of our human lives. So, when I did try all sorts of human stuff for the first time, it didn’t really _feel_ like the first time. That’s why I got bored so quickly. In fact, I’m not sure why actual humans don’t get bored with the whole _being human_ thing after the first thirty or forty years and just get the hell away from it through some back door or something.”

“The thing you’re talking about is called midlife crisis and if you were a real boy I would strongly suggest you see a therapist for that, as well as for the obvious codependency issue, but I’m afraid that bored ex-angels are way beyond any human shrink’s expertise. Besides, I believe I know you well enough to suppose that in case you did go see a shrink you’d find a way to mess with their head somehow, despite them being a trained professional, because that’s something that falls into your definition of _fun_.”

Lucifer puffed his chest proudly, and his smile was so smug that for a brief moment Gabriel thought he actually took his words for a high praise they weren’t. He let out a small laugh, shaking his head in amusement.

A second later Balthazar rocketed through the fluffy cloudy floor of the heavenly valley not two feet from them, shoving a stack of papers in Gabriel’s face and glaring daggers at him.

“What the fuck, Gabriel?!? Why did you have to go and make them kill me off after just one season?” Balthazar yelled as he kept shaking the papers in front of Gabriel’s face, his chest heaving and his face red with anger.

“Whoa, Balthy, chill!” Lucifer piped in before Gabriel was able to react. “They’ve just killed _me_ off, and you haven’t even started filming yet, so I don’t really see the point of your whining here.”

“You’re the bloody devil, of fucking course they killed you off! And I’m supposed to be one of the good guys!” Balthazar turned to face Gabriel again. “They’ve got Cassie for the third season in a row by the way, what’s with that?”

Gabriel shrugged, leafing through the script Balthazar shoved in his face earlier.

“Well, I did say they were gonna love him, didn’t I? So, big surprise: they _adore_ him! The fandom’s going nuts, the writers are excited, the ratings are sky high which keeps the network happy, and whaddya know? They wrote him in without any nudging on my part, so yeah, looks like Cassie is there for the long run. He just fits with the show really well, and even though the writers seem to be keen on killing him in all sorts of odd ways, they enjoy bringing him back even more. Oh, by the by, speaking of killings, how exactly did you manage to get a hold of this?”

Gabriel held up the script, raising an eyebrow at Balthazar, who began fidgeting uncomfortably, the outraged and scandalized look slowly draining from his face. There was a silence as Gabriel continued staring at Balthazar expectantly, while Lucifer made a show of crossing his arms over his chest and shaking his head in disapproval.

“Well?”

“Well, what about it? It’s just a script, no big deal, I’m sure you’ve got plenty of those on you.”

“Cut the crap, Balth, you know exactly what I’m talking about. How come you have a script that _hasn’t been written yet?_ ”

There was another silence, and Balthazar turned his gaze down, then up at the sky, trying, by the looks of it, to find his answer elsewhere but failing at it miserably.  He sighed and finally gave up the oblivious act, looking at Gabriel with a bit of a dare.

“You want me to say it? Fine! Yes, I popped in the future and snagged it off myself. What are you going to do about it? Make me write ‘I’m so very sorry’ three hundred times?”

“That is actually a very good idea. Why don’t you,” Gabriel said, voice calm and level, “why don’t you stay here for a little time-out? So that you could relax, maybe write some poetry on that cloud over there, that kinda stuff. They say poetry is very good for your brain, you know. Helps it learn how to think properly. And I can even borrow the Heavenly Choir for a while. Set it to go off at random intervals, I’m sure it will help you get in the mood.”

Balthazar gulped, the mere memory of that _singing_ obviously making him sick. “But you can’t possibly go and _make_ me do all that!”

“Ya think?”  

Gabriel’s lips curled in a slow, humourless grin and he raised an eyebrow, looking Balthazar dead in the eye. His stare was cold, hard and _really_ scary.

“Hey, hey, surely there’s no need for such drastic measures!” Balthazar took a step back, throwing his hands up and smiling at Gabriel meekly.

“We’ll have to see about that. Luci, can you go get the others? I think we all need to discuss our situation here.”

“Sure thing, Gabe. Be right back.”

And then he was gone.

Gabriel turned to Balthazar who was trying his best to look apologetic.

“Look,” Balthazar said, “Gabe, I’m sorry, I really am! That was a dumb thing to do, I can see it now, but I was so _bored_ and then I had this idea and… and I just couldn’t help it…”

Gabriel snapped his fingers, making Balthazar flinch and cover his head with his hands. A few seconds later, as he realized that nothing had happened to him, he lowered his hands and looked at Gabriel. Gabriel sighed.

“What is it with you guys being bored all the damn time? If _I_ get bored _I do_ something about it, and not in a _let’s-destroy-this-fucking-universe-while-we’re-at-it_ kinda way. Why can’t you do the same?”

Balthazar looked at Gabriel sheepishly and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Well… uhh…”

“Forget I asked.”

Gabriel sighed, defeated, and pulled out his phone, waving a hand at Balthazar’s script and making it disappear while he waited for the call to go through.

“Mark? Yeah, it’s me. Change of plans. Can you ask Robbie to get here? Great. No, you stay put. I’ll be there soon. Yeah, and try to get a hold of the others, okay? I’m sending Seb your way. Yep. Thanks.”

He hung up and looked at Balthazar who was staring at the phone in his hands as if it had just grown a head.

“What are you waiting for? A written invitation with gold lettering? Go before I change my mind. And please, for the love of everything, don’t do anything _that_ stupid ever again!”

“Yeah I’m going… but how come you can use your phone in here?”

“It’s this amazing thing that I have, see? It puts me at a great advantage, _and_ it works every time. Would you like to know what it is, Balthy?”

Gabriel put on his friendly grin number three, knowing that Balthazar was the least likely of them all to see through his act. Balthazar nodded and took a step closer, curiosity written all over his face. Gabriel leaned in and all but yelled in his ear.

“It’s called a brain, Balthazar, and I’m fairly certain you’ve got one as well, so why don’t you fucking use it?!”

Balthazar winced and took a step back, some undoubtedly clever retort on its way from his mouth, but Gabriel didn’t wait for him to finish. He snapped his fingers, sending Balthazar back to Earth, flopped face down onto the cloud and groaned, loud and long.

“Fuck it,” he muttered to himself. “Fuck it, why do I even bother? Shoulda left them on their own a long time ago.”

The skies didn’t open up, bringing the answers to all of his woes. Not that he expected them to, but sometimes, in moments of weakness, he thought that it would have been nice of them to do it. Just once. For a change.

Instead, there was a light hand on his shoulder, and a familiar voice, soft and calm.

“Hey, Rich. What’s up?”

Gabriel sat up, smiling – and this time it was genuine. He knew the others found Rob’s company kinda awkward, but he’d always liked their conversations. Rob remembered a lot more than the angels, and was the only one who really got him. No wonder they became friends.

“Just wanted to run something by you. The gang’s going stir crazy and is ten seconds away from ripping our new home apart. I’ve got an idea, but I need you to smooth out the details.”

…

Castiel stood by the window, hands folded over his chest, staring intently into the garden. Lucifer was busy firing balled up paper napkins with a slingshot, aiming to knock down the trinkets off the mantelpiece, but somehow missing them every time and landing the shots at either Michael or Balthazar. Michael pretended to be reading something on his phone, fingers tapping on the screen. Balthazar sat in an armchair, holding his head in his hands, ignoring Lucifer completely.

It was very quiet.

Gabriel let the door swing wide open, stepping inside and taking his sunglasses off with a flourish. “Everybody relax! I’m here.”

Everyone in the room turned to stare at him.

“Did you… did you just quote Jensen’s character at us?” Michael asked with an amused smile. “From that movie, the one he did with Danneel… what was it called…”

“I’ll have you know, Mikey, that movie is comedy gold,” Gabriel scoffed. “And considering that I’m here to save your asses from the eternal boredom of a spotless angelic mind, it’s damn appropriate, too.”

Lucifer looked at him reproachfully and shook his head. “Breaking your rule number one at your _own house,_ Richie? And here I was, thinking you were the responsible one.”

“Don’t push it, Luci. I’m not a complete idiot, unlike _some_ people in this room. I world-proofed the house for a while. So, chill. And for the love of everything, _do not_ call me that again.”

“The movie you’ve been trying to remember, Michael, is called “Ten Inch Hero”. I agree that Jensen did an outstanding job on Priestly. He should pursue a movie career when our show has run its course.”

“My point exactly. Thank you, Cassie.”

Gabriel held a theatrical pause, looking at each of them in turn, studying various degrees of eagerness and curiosity on their faces. He knew he’d been too hard on them. They were going to learn, eventually. They just needed more time to come to terms with everything.

“Oh, come on, Gabe, don’t leave us all hanging here!”

Gabriel batted his eyelashes, feigning innocence. “I’ve no idea what you’re talking about, Luci.”

“Now you’re just being mean. You sent me to get everyone here – and it wasn’t an easy task, believe me – so that you could tell us what we’re gonna do for fun.”

“And you are all going to trust my judgement on this?”

Balthazar lifted his head to look at him. “Yeah, we are. It looks like right now we cannot really trust our own judgement on consequences of our non-human actions. So, we really need you to help keep us in check. And I’m sorry about earlier.”

Gabriel studied Balthazar’s earnest expression with a raised eyebrow. “Just a couple hours ago you were dead set on acting like a petulant child. Why a sudden change of heart?”

Lucifer piped in before Balthazar managed to open his mouth. “Cassie talked some sense into him – all of us, in fact. It was something about quantum. Can’t say I understood much, but it sounded extremely clever and a bit intimidating.”

Gabriel turned his attention to Castiel. “You keep surprising me, Cassie. I gotta say, I’m impressed.”

“I like thinking about fundamental properties of things,” Castiel said with a small smile. “It helps me relax. In fact, I’d love to discuss some of my theories with you, Gabriel. I’m sure I’ve managed to grasp the basics, but I still have a few questions left.”

“Don’t we all, Cassie. Don’t we all,” Gabriel said, lost in his thoughts. This was actually not a bad idea. Something to keep them busy and challenge them and help them learn? Hells yeah! But not right away. They weren’t ready yet.

“Gabe. Gabe. Gaaabey. Come back to us, please. You promised fun. I still don’t see any.” Lucifer pouted and kicked at Balthazar’s chair. “Even Balthy is behaving now. We’re all here, and we’re as good as we’re gonna be, so come on. Spill.”

“Actually,” Rob said, “he was waiting for me.”

Nobody noticed when he appeared or how he came in, so now everyone was staring at him – well, not in shock, but in mild surprise. They were still angels, underneath it all. Gabriel suppressed a chuckle and waved for Rob to continue.

“What we have for you is something each of us has done before, but with a twist. It comes with our acting job, and it involves people. Common people and their stories and their love for the show. We just haven’t thought of it this way yet, but for us it’s a perfect opportunity – we can have fun, and we can be who we really are as much as it’s possible without breaking this world. Have you guessed what we’re gonna do yet?”

Lucifer shook his head, looking from Gabriel to Rob and back expectantly. Michael raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Balthazar shrugged. Castiel tilted his head in some weird combination of a nod and a shrug.

Gabriel grinned. “Gentlemen. We’re gonna do conventions.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...aaand it's done. thank you for being so patient with me, it only took me forever to finish. please share your thoughts on this and come find me on [tumblr](http://annie-thyme.tumblr.com/) if you feel like it =)


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